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Do You Hate Your Job?

. Saturday, May 31, 2008
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When you have an "I Hate My Job " day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.


When you get home :

Lock your doors
Draw the curtains
Disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable pajamas and sit in your favorite chair.
Carefully open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins:

Take out the literature and read it carefully.
You will notice, in small print , there is a statement.

"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times:
"I am so thankful that I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

HAVE A GLORIOUS DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!



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Thoughts about Men

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle.

To attract a man, wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

Women like quiet men because they think they are listening

On one issue at least, men and women agree; they both distrust women.

The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will see a man who can't get his pants off!

Don't kick a man when he's down unless you're certain he won't get up.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Man who sneezes without tissues takes matters into his own hands.(yuck)

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want tomarry you, I want to have children." -- they leave skid marks. Thisworks whether a man or woman says it.

There are easier things in life than finding a good man. like Nailing Jello to a tree for instance.

Mankind is stupid. If you forget, they will remind you.

Men are like fish. Neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut.


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We are men

. Friday, May 30, 2008
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The room was full of pregnant women and their partners.

The Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room was very quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the instructor. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


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Future Fireman

A guy meets a childhood pal.

"What are you doing for yourself these days?"

"I'm a fireman."

"Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman."

"Well, if you want some good advice, you've got to install in your house a pole that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, 'cause the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

"Well, did your son become a fireman?"

"No, but I have two daughters who are "dancers."


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Live a life that matters

. Thursday, May 29, 2008
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Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end. There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days.

All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.

Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance. It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear. So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire.The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.

It won't matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived, at the end. It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant. Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.

So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?
What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built; not what you got, but what you gave.


What will matter is not your success, BUT your significance.
What will matter is not what you learned, BUT what you taught.
What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.
What will matter is not your competence, BUT your character.
What will matter is not how many people you knew, BUT how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone.
What will matter is not your memories, BUT the memories that live in those who loved you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.

Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident. It's not a matter of circumstance but of choice.

Choose to live a life that matters.


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Wife from Hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”

The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”


And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”

U'll love this part....

'Only when he's been drinking.'


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Phone Call

. Wednesday, May 28, 2008
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The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.

"How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy.

"Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband!... Isn't this 223-1374?"

"No, this is 232-1374."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"


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Wife or mistress?

An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The accountant said: "I like both."

"Both?" The other two asked

The accountant replied: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."


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The Washcloth

. Tuesday, May 27, 2008
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This has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!

This is a real incident and no its not me so ignore the I's and me's.

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal . Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She rep lied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

NEVER going back to that doctor ever!


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One liners -- Hidden meanings in Company talk

. Monday, May 26, 2008
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Today's Professional Management FUNDAS

1."We will do it" means "You will do it"

2."You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you"

3."We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on the same"

4."Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done "At least not tomorrow!"

5."After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views" means "I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"

6."There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied"

7."Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk later"

8."We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on time"

9."We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."

10."We had slight differences of opinion "means "We had actually fought"

11."Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"

12."You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"

13."We need to find out the real reason" means "Well I will tell you where your fault is"

14."Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected," means, "Well you know..."

15."We are a team," means, "I am not the only one to be blamed"

16."That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"

17."All the Best" means "You are in trouble"


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Grandma's birth control pills

. Saturday, May 24, 2008
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The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.

At her next check up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Perez, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

"Yes, they help me to sleep at night."

"Mrs. Perez, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that.

But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks.......And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

"You gotta love Grandmas!"


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The real reason behind bad taste in the mouth

. Friday, May 23, 2008
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And then you wonder why you have a bad taste in your mouth in the morning....


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THE THREE LABRADORS

. Thursday, May 22, 2008
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Three Labrador Retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black -- were sitting in the surgery waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation:

The black lab turned to the brown and said, 'So why are you here?'

The brown lab replied, 'I'm a pee`er. I pee on everything .... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pee`ed in the middle of my owner's bed.'

The black lab said, ' So what is the vet going to do?'

'Gonna cut my nuts off,' replied the brown lab. They reckon it'll calm me down.'

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'

The yellow lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch..'

'So what are they going to do to you?' the black lab inquired.

'Looks like I'm losing my nuts, too,' the dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'

'I'm a humper,' the black lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, mailboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes ----- and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away.'

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, nuts off for you too, huh?'

The black lab said, cheerfully, 'Hell no, I'm here to get my nails clipped'


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How Happy Is Life Without A Girlfriend

. Wednesday, May 21, 2008
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1. You can stare at any Girl.......

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2. You don't have to spend money on her.

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3. You won't get boring result in ur board papers.

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4. No girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing.

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5. If u don't have a girlfriend, she can't dump u.

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6. Having a girlfriend is hot, not having a girlfriend is automatically cool, and every one loves to be a cool guy.

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7. This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to ring.

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8. You won't have to tolerate someone else defining, "right" and "wrong" for u.

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9. Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can't do anything according ur wishes anymore.

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10. You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life.

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11. You won't have to waste paper writing love letters. No more endless waiting for ur date to arrive at some weird shop place.

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12. You can have more friends, as u will have more time for them.

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13. You wont have to see boring love stories instead of sports.

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14. You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, u'll sin less.

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15. You can have good night's sleep-no need to dream about her.

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16. You wont have to fight over having a 'special' friend with ur folks.

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17. No nonstop nonsense.

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18. You wont have drown in the pool of her tears.

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19. No tension.

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20. You can be "urself"

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21. You wont have to hide your telephone bills.....


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Poems written by husband to wife

. Tuesday, May 20, 2008
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I wrote your name on sand it got washed.

I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. then

I wrote your name on my heart & i got Heart Attack.

******

God saw me hungry, he created pizza.

He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.

He saw me in dark, he created light.

He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

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Twinkle Twinkle little star

You should know what you are

And once you know what you are

Mental hospital is not so far.


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The rain makes all things beautiful.

The grass and flowers too.

If rain makes all things beautiful

why doesn't it rain on you?

******

Roses are red, Violets are blue

monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.

Don't feel so angry you will find me there too

not in cage but laughing at you.


******


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Perfect Husband

Once a man was waiting for a taxi.

A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.

Suddenly an idea struck him.He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you." "I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.

The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.

The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."

The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".

The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".

The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course.Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".

As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."

Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".

The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like."


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Love's story

. Monday, May 19, 2008
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Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all repaired their boats and left.

Love wanted to persevere until the last possible moment. When the island was almost sinking, Love decided to ask for help. Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you.

Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat." Vanity answered.
Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, "Sadness, let me go with you." "Oh....Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"

Happiness passed by Love too, but he was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her!

Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take you." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that he even forgot to ask the elder his name. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went his own way.

Love realizing how much he owed the elder and asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who helped me?" "It was Time," Knowledge answered. "Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?" Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, "Because, only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."


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Wrong Flowers

. Sunday, May 18, 2008
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A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"


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I Want A Divorce!

. Friday, May 16, 2008
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A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.

He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.

"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.

He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.

By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."

"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, " The airbag."


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Cool Insulting Lines

. Thursday, May 15, 2008
0 comments

1. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

2. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
4. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?
5. At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!
6. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing
7. Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!
8. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.
9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
10. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!
11. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
12. Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?
13. Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
14. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
15. Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
16. Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them.
17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.
18. He has a mind like a steel trap-always closed!
19. You are a man of the world-and you know what sad shape the world is in.
20. He is always lost in thought-it's unfamiliar territory.
21. He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
22. He is known as a miracle comic. if he's funny, it's a miracle!
23. He is listed in Who's Who as What's That?
24. He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
25. He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.
26. He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
27. How come you're here? I thought the zoo is closed at night!
28. How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
29. How much refund do you expect on your head now that it's empty.
30. How would you like to feel the way you look?
31. Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
32. I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in the next 10 years?
33. I don't want you to turn the other cheek; it's just as ugly.
34. I don't know who you are, but whatever you are, I'm sure everyone will agree with me.
35. I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
36. I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
37. I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me!
38. I don't even like the people you're trying to imitate, if you are at all.
39. I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?
40. I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!
41. I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!
42. I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!
43. Why are you so stupid today? Anyway, I think that's very typical of you.
44. Do u practice being this ugly?


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What is B.E?

. Wednesday, May 14, 2008
0 comments

8 semesters are there
80GB syllabus
80MB we study
80KB we remember
80 Bytes we answer
BINARY marks we get,
The Degree finally we get is BE
That is Brain Empty (B.E)

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Last night I was looking at the stars,
And I was wondering where the heck is my ceiling!

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God created men first,
Cause he always makes a rough draft before a masterpiece!

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When I was younger I hated going to weddings.
It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,"You are next".
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


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Lipstick

. Tuesday, May 13, 2008
0 comments

According to a news report, a certain private school in Sydney was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

After they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night - (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror..

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Moral to this story:-

There are teachers.... and then there are educators..


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And finally GOD created MAN

. Monday, May 12, 2008
0 comments

GOD created the DONKEY and told him, 'You will work tireless from sunrise up to sunset, carrying heavy bags on your back, you will eat grass. You will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be a DONKEY!'

The DONKEY answered, 'I will be a DONKEY, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years!' and GOD gave him 20 years.

GOD created DOG and told him ' You will look after man's house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25years, You will be a DOG!'

The DOG answered 'GOD, living 25 years is too much, give only 10 years!' and GOD gave him 10 years.

GOD created the MONKEY and told him, 'you will jump from branch to branch you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will live 20 years, you will be a MONKEY!'

The MONKEY answered ' GOD, living 20 years is too much , give me only 10 years!' and GOD gave him 10 years.

Finally,

GOD created MAN and told him, 'you will be a MAN the only rational being on this earth and you will use your intelligence to control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will live for 20 years.

The MAN answered, GOD I will be a man but living 20 years is not enough, why don't you give me the 30 years that the DONKEY refused, the 15 years that the DOG didn't want and the 10 years that the MONKEY refused ?'

That was exactly what GOD did, and since then:

MAN lives 20 years like a MAN, then he gets married and spends 30 years like a DONKEY, working and carrying the load on his back. Then, when his children leave he spends 15 years like DOG looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him. Then he gets old, retires and spends 10 years like a MONKEY, jumping from house to house or from children to children, doing silly things to amuse his grandchildren


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Dying husband....

. Sunday, May 11, 2008
0 comments

A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25-year-old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Switzerland but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalised.

When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me.

You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money."

"Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed.

"You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you.

Please... tell me what I can do?"

"Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."


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Some rules cannot be followed

. Saturday, May 10, 2008
0 comments

A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all.

I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling............ My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "


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Woman's world

. Friday, May 9, 2008
0 comments

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

**********

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

**********

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

**********

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

**********

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposi ts a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

**********

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

**********

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

**********

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

**********

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... "HEBREWS"

**********

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM . " He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

**********

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece .


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Fastest Thing!

A man is walking home through a park one night after a fancy dress party.

While he is walking home he feels the need to s**t so he crouches down on the grass and does his business.

Just as he is finishing he sees a policeman walking towards him.

He covers the s**t with his hat. When the policeman arrives he asks the man, "What have you go under there?"

The man replies, "I just caught the fastest thing in the world."

The policeman says, "Let me have a look."

The man replies, "As I said, it's the fastest thing in the world. If I take the hat off it it will get away."

The policeman tells the man, "Take the top hat off and as soon as you do I will catch it."

The man replies, "OK if you insist."

When the man lifts the top hat the policeman tries to grab it and gets a handful of s**t.

"What's this?" he screams at the man. "I told you it was the fastest thing in the world." the man replies, "But you sure scared the s**t out of it."


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Managers

. Thursday, May 8, 2008
0 comments

Once during a Management training program, a team of Senior Managers were given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So these Managers went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape.

They're falling off the ladders, dropping the measuring tape - the whole thing is just a mess.

An Engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers, re-erects the flagpole and walks straight-away.

After the Engineer has gone, one Manager turns to another and laughs.

"Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for height and he gives the length!" Moral: No matter what good you do, Managers can always find fault in you.


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PROPER GRAMMAR

. Saturday, May 3, 2008
1 comments

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on Little Lisa, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Lisa," replied the teacher. She then called on Little Tommy.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny...

Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just f*%@# beautiful !"


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